the rearview mirror

a poem

a few weeks into the fall semester of my sophomore year of high school, my ex-boyfriend started sitting next to me in English class. I wasn’t sure why. I was upset when our relationship ended. I only initiated our breakup because I felt like he stopped trying.

after class one day, he stopped me while I was leaving

I always want to be around you

I miss you

it was stupid I stopped trying

after a few days of flirting with me in English a few of his friends asked me if we were going to start dating again. I said no.

it was too late. why now?

he eventually started sitting at his original seat across the room. after a few weeks, it started feeling like it never happened at all.

towards the end of my sophomore year of high school, a senior boy started taking me out on dates after school. we took a cute picture together at his graduation & hung out all summer.

I sat on his bed while he packed up to leave for his freshman year of college. he was never my boyfriend, but he paid for everything & would kiss me in my car. he always tasted like cigarettes.

the night before he left for his freshman year, he came to my house to drop off a shirt he wanted me to have. he wrapped his arms around me, picked me up, spun me around & kissed me. I watched him drive away from my front porch.

he texted me a paragraph right before Christmas, on my birthday

I wish I didn’t leave for college. I wish we could’ve had more time. we could’ve been the real thing.

I was dating someone else

I think we’ve only spoken once or twice since then

my senior year of high school I broke up with a boy who would get mad at me for not sending him photos of my naked teenage body & a lot of other reasons I don’t care to write about

a few weeks after I told him it was over I received a text message from a fake number. it was a long paragraph about how this person hoped, in a few years,

that we someday could randomly be at the same bar. he would see me from across the room & ask the bartender to send me a drink with a napkin. I would look around the bar, & eventually, make eye contact with him as he starts to put on his jacket. but instead of coming up to talk to me, he would leave. then I would notice his number was written on the napkin, & I would call him later that night. he would apologize for everything that happened between us when we were kids, how sorry he was for making my life harder.

he said he would hold out hope for that night.

I didn’t respond.

I broke up with my first love because our relationship was…bad. he was anxious & controlling, I was naive & willing to bend to his incomprehensible rules because he loved me. it was so bad I don’t even really want to call him my first love, but we were together for 1 year, 8 months, & 13 days. so I guess there was something there at some point.

2 1/2 years after we broke up, he called me on a sunny july afternoon.

I want to get back together

our love was different

I can’t stop thinking about how beautifully you loved me

you’re all I can think about sometimes, I think you’re the one

while we were dating, he refused to follow me on instagram because he thought I was fake online & wouldn’t let me go to workout classes because he was afraid I would get too hot & leave him for a gym bro

I am not the one

I told him he was remembering our relationship incorrectly

a guy told me he loved me for the first time 4 hours after he said he wanted to call it all off

we spent nearly every day together for about 8 months. we’d fall asleep in each other’s arms & he’d talk about the future in a way I could actually picture myself in it

but he called everything off one night. It felt really out of the blue. I cried & told him I loved him. he said I should know how he feels. I asked him how I was supposed to know his feelings if he wouldn’t tell me. we cried in my car. we talked until nearly 2 am, so he begged me to sleep on his couch instead of driving home. we went inside his house, he laid down on his couch with me, & I cried into his chest until I fell asleep.

he woke me up an hour or two later. we just stared at each other as he tucked my hair behind my ear. I couldn’t have my face that close to him without kissing him, but I knew I shouldn’t, so I put my head back down on his chest to go back to sleep. he shook me awake & looked into my eyes again

I do love you, Lizzie. I really do.

I laid back down. He asked me if it was okay he said that. I said I was glad he did, but I cried for the next four days. It didn’t matter that he loved me, we had broken up.

nearly 8 weeks after we broke up, he kissed me so much that my lip swelled up.

it’s never felt like this before

I already knew he would say that, of course it hadn’t ever felt this way before. boys have always loved me more & better after it’s over. after I moved on, after we’d broken up, after too much time had passed. never before & never during. always after.

I’m never enough when I stand in front of somebody,

but as soon as I turn around I’m told I was far more than enough 

if I was with anyone right now, it would be you

I’ll never meet another Lizzie Bromley

I’ve only ever looked good in a rearview mirror