My Head and My Heart
When I first started really paying attention to my train of thoughts, I realized that a lot of my dialogue is between 3 different versions of "me"
Past me, present me, and future me.
And I've learned a lot about myself from talking to "myselves", but something I've noticed that I'd like to point out from all of these conversations is that my head and my heart hate each other.
I hate the girl I was my sophomore year, but I know that I shouldn't.
I hate how I acted with boys, how I treated myself, that I dyed my hair red, etc.
Every decision I was making and made were very conscious, I don't do anything without really thinking about it, but I now find myself wishing that things, and particularly I, had been different.
In July 2013, as I sat on the floor of my bedroom, I promised myself that I would never be the other girl. I would never consciously be the third person in someone's relationship, I would never try to do long distance, and I would never hurt someone in the way that I had been hurt.
I promised the Elizabeth in July 2013 that I would never be that girl again, yet when July 2015 rolled around, there I was again.
I was overstepping boundaries that I didn't want to cross because a boy convinced me it was okay. He told me they weren't exclusive, that she didn't care about who he talked to, only to find out later that his words weren't true.
There I was again, talking to a boy who was 2,000 miles away.
I thought what I felt was real, that how I was feeling this time made it okay.
I convinced myself that breaking my promise was fine because the heart wants what it wants.
My head hated that. Current me hates that. I wish I was never like that.
My whole life, my heart has been getting in the way of what I know is right.
I have a close friend who I used to have a crush on who once told me he was proud of me for not smoking weed, and my first thought after he told me that was "Elizabeth-six-months-from-now, you'll hate that I think this, but this is really sweet".
Yet here I am, nearly six months later, thinking about how stupid I was for thinking that that was sweet.
I can make my own choices and I don't care if you're happy I fit into the little box you want me to be in.
That may sound dramatic, but not smoking weed comes really naturally to me, I just don't do it. There's nothing to be proud of.
I don't know.
I've been making a lot of big decisions that I really don't want to regret, but I feel like I will.
I don't know if I want to make current me happy or future me happy, but even when I know who I want to please, I don't always know how.
I can't always tell which decisions will come with the results that will ultimately make the past, present, and future me not hate myself.
I think I'm overthinking things, but maybe I'm not.
I just need to decide who's more important, me right now, or someone who doesn't exist yet.
I'm just tired of finding myself in similar situations to ones I had already been in.